As the year finally comes to an end, i sit back and reflect on it. Trying to understand it, and where i stand as a person as I enter into the new year. I always try and think of what happened, and what those events taught me. I find that this year im finding so much difficulty trying to reflect. This year was different, it tested me in many ways. It forced me to attempt to confront the things that ive spent so much time trying to avoid. Ive spent this year waiting, and feeling alone, and remembering that im not. I fell in love, stood up for myself in many ways, and realized just how important people are in your life. I started a new life in so many ways. Saying goodbye to the poisons that corrupted me. Some days it was hard. Its easy to want what is familar. Change is hard. Esp. for me. Ive never been good at it. I realized both how strong and weak i am. I learned what is important. Something i feel that in past years i havnt really grasped. Im always running, this year I was forced to stand still. It still makes me crazy, but it was what i had to do, and it is what i needed.
As I enter the next year I will start rebuilding myself and my life. Growing as a person, continuting to discover what is important in life. It’s a process, and it is easy to fall back into old ways. I hope that i don’t. Maybe ill find my way out of the forest. ive been lost for so long. Life is a growing and learning expirence. Some learn more than others, and some never learn.
Im not sure where i am at, and i dont know where im going. I know where i would like to be, i guess that is a start. My mind always is my worst enemy, i think too much, worry too much. Most of it i have no control over, nor will i ever, most of the questions i ask myself i have no answer to. I dont understand this world, and at the end of every year, im not a step closer figuring it out.
It’s so tragic, and difficult, it makes no sense, why we must suffer so much. So many people dont allow them selves to be happy, and i am also guilty of that at times. Im deteremined not to let myself do that again, go down that road, life is too short.
Ive learned this year not to give up, not to run because you might surprise yourself. If you keep going than you will get there, it may take longer than you want it to, but as long as your still trying to find your way you will be alright.
What a year. Change is scary. letting go is hard, letting people in can be harder. Sometimes the hardest thing brings about the the most rewarding things. I learned that this year.
Im excited for 2010, so many things to look forward to, and so many things to be afraid of. I know that i wont be on my own, i know that i have so many people in my life that are amazing, and i dont know where i would be without them. I know this next year wont be easy, but i guess that is what makes it so excited.
I cant create a good resolution, i can just promise myself that i will do my best in everything, that i will stay positive, and true to myself no matter where life takes me. I will learn all that i can and continue growing as a person, and i hope that you will all do the same.